Probably the most surprising thing about becoming a mom for me is the Mom Guilt. And last week was harder than normal.
When Knox was born I was working 60+ hour weeks at the largest start-up in New York City (Gilt Groupe) and blogging at night and on the weekends. My parents instilled a hard work ethic in all three of us (I have an older sister and a younger brother) through example, but also by making sure we all had chores growing up and a job as soon as we had a car.
When I had Knox, I knew I couldn’t add being a mom to my crazy schedule, it was very clear something had to give. For our family, it was an easy choice because it was so important to me to be a present mom and to play an active role in raising our children. But it was also very easy for us because we had a rare circumstance where the financial impact of me staying home could be the same as me going back to work and paying for a nanny. I had built HOUSE of HARPER over the years and by 2013 when Knox was born it was paying off financially. So the choice was clear for us that I would stay home and run HOUSE of HARPER full time.
Because I was so used to working nights and weekends from working at Gilt, it didn’t bother me to continue this schedule after we had Knox. In fact, it actually got easier in the beginning. Knox was such a happy baby and a really good sleeper so I could respond to an email while he entertained himself on the playmat for a few minutes or get a blog post live during his morning nap. I had an adorable babysitter that would come one morning a week so I could get out of the house for meetings, photoshoots, etc. We had a groove and I loved that I was balancing both, for the most part.
Without boring you with too many of the details, when we moved to Texas and Knox dropped his morning nap, I knew I needed more help. We found a wonderful nanny in our new neighborhood for a few mornings a week (9-12 and then Knox would nap until around 2) and then Knox started a Mother’s Day out two mornings a week the following fall. After some time adjusting to having some help and accepting that I couldn’t do it all, I found myself comfortable with our situation again.
Fast forward to having Andrew and I lost my groove, again. (Remember this post?) I needed more help to keep all the balls in the air. We asked our nanny to take on the additional mornings during the week when Knox was at school so I could have more help with Andrew. I struggled with this decision because (other than a babysitter a few hours a week) Knox was home with me until he was 18 months old, but Andrew had a nanny in his life since he was born. But over time, I accepted our situation and became at peace with it. She loves our boys, exposes them to Spanish and has become part of our family. I was back on top of the rollercoaster of my ‘mom guilt’ and feeling like everything was going to be okay.
Enter 2017. This year was going to be a year of playing catch up, getting settled and enjoying life. We don’t have any major life changes planned (we aren’t moving across the country, buying or renovating our house, having a baby, etc.). I wanted to continue to grow my business and soak up every moment with our precious boys. But life happened and my business got AUDITED.
We finally have it all behind us now, but the past three months meant a lot of overtime for our nanny while I was organizing receipts, printing contracts, filing statements, requesting cancelled checks, searching for old travel documents, YOU NAME IT! It was honestly the most taxing (ha, ha) experience of my adult life. But, I learned a lot and I will be sharing it with you so you can be more organized than I was incase you ever find yourself in that (dreaded) situation. I know now how to stay organized each quarter so if it ever happens again I can just hand them my documents and say, “Have fun with this!” ha!
If you are still reading this (I’m impressed), my point in all this rambling is that I feel like I haven’t been as present with our kids lately as I would like to be, and it has brought on a lot of pressure and guilt. If you follow my Instagram stories you saw how hard it was on me to leave them for a conference this weekend. I literally got in the car and cried, almost turned around and called my husband and my mom. They both convinced me that the boys would be fine for the night and told me I needed to go. Once I made it to Dallas, sat down for dinner with friends (and had a margarita), I felt a little better, but it was the accumulation of everything and I had hit a wall.
Before closing, I should note that I certainly don’t always feel this way. There are some days that I feel like Super Woman mastering the balancing act of working and parenting, but with the recent overtime and travel (Dallas x 3, New York, Austin and Corsicana… all in the last month!), I am having a moment and thought I could learn from you if I simply shared.
After sharing with you on InstaStories this weekend, I thought it would be helpful to give you a little background and to crowd source some advice. I know this is something most moms struggle with whether you stay at home, but need to find time for household chores, errands, and just staying engaged by the end of a long day or if you are a full-time working mom that wants to make the best out of the evening hours, but are exhausted from a full day’s work.
What tips do you have for all of us? How do you handle the stress, the pressure, the guilt?! How do you balance your time? What has been the best piece of advice you have received? I want to hear it all and can’t wait to read your comments!
As always, thanks for listening and stopping by!
You are a wonderful Mom and give your boys the attention they need. They have always been your top priority and will continue to be so. Love you and get off the guilt wagon! You are amazing!
Wow Caroline – you are such an inspiration to so many of us. My best advice is to be kind to yourself and know that you are doing the very best you can. The fact that your boys are always in the front of your mind speaks to the kind of mother you are. They are learning that same work ethic from watching you. You are doing great.
I’m the son of a hard working mother and I can tell you from experience that your children will love you for working hard. When they need someone to hold them and to listen to them you’ll be there, and as long as you tell them you love them every day they’ll be stronger for work you do.
I really appreciated reading this, Caroline, as I question how things will function after the baby is here this summer.
Carrie
http://www.wearwherewell.com
When you figure this one out, please let me know! I feel the same way about the last two weeks… just when I think i have it all together, my house was plagued with strep, stomach bug, catchup on 5 rained out photoshoots, newborn twins coming early to squeeze in and about 5 personal life events… including that brand new puppy (hahah) BUT i just hired an organizer and house cleaner to help me de-clutter my life… used the word NO in a couple of sentences… signed my son up for karate to kick self-esteem in the butt… bought some new bright lipstick and here we go!!! You are a wonderful mommy and amazing at what you do! You’ve got this…
Caroline,
Thank you for keeping it real! I am an attorney and mom of two boys (and my maiden name is your name as well!) and I love reading your blog for a brief respite. Nice to know other working moms have the same issues and guilt!
Elizabeth Harper Emmett
Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel so guilty and overwhelm sometimes (the guilt in my case is because we tried for so long to have a baby and I hate feeling like I am not grateful when things are a mess).
You are such an amazing mom and amazing at your business that is good to know that we are not alone.
Dear Caroline: Remember that the time you have with your children is short–sometimes shorter than you can imagine. If you’re heart tells you that you need more time with them listen to it. Being a mom is not, contrary to popular opinion, a part time job. Motherhood is the most under-paid, under appreciated profession in the world. Love your children well and you will be repaid with two boys that will always come home, bring their friends with them and tell you, on a regular basis, how much they love you. Nothing in life matters more than your precious family and the two gifts God has given you…..nothing!
No doubt the toughest part of motherhood!! Thanks for opening up to all of us about it. I can’t even imagine the extra stress of being audited. What a mess. You’re doing a great job and have the most precious family.
Oh I wish I had suggestions or the magic recipe to keep all the balls afloat, but I’m in the same boat & totally feel the same way!! I agree with the comment above about being kind to yourself & give yourself grace. We often forget that!! You’re doing an awesome job & it’s obvious your boys adore you 🙂
So when I was 8 months pregnant with our baby girl we had just lost our beloved pup, my hubs was laid off (thanks Houston oil and gas market!), we were in he middle of a house DIY remodel and we were in the process of closing on our first business (we bought a frozen yogurt busness). I went into labor 4 weeks early and our baby girl came in the middle of this craziness! Needless to say, I ‘had’ to go back to work so the mom guilt was strong for me. Not only did I have to go back to work, I didn’t really get a “maternity leave” because we had just closed on the business so I was there more with her strapped to me more than I was at home- or I was always pumping in my car (insert money covering face here). What I learning with all this craziness is to embrace the crazy, let go of my Type A personality and give myself grace uppn grace upon grace!!! I can’t do it all and have a perfectly presentable house (or self) all the time and that’s okay! We are all fed dinner (HEB ready meals or maybe I cooked dinner…who knows), we have a safe place to sleep and we are all loved so much and that’s all that matters! It’s okay to not be put together or have it all together. The time spent with our babies is enough. Grace is a wonderful thing in this season of young babies! ????
I am not a mum so I don’t understand mum guilt but I was raised by a single mother who would travel up to 3 months at a time. She always told me she felt guilty and still does to this day but honestly I never really regretted her being away. Being so hard working, she taught me that women can do it all and she was very upfront about when she was going to be there which I always appreciated. It is not the amount of time you spend with them but how present you are when you are together. You look like an excellent mum – don’t be so hard on yourself!
Fellow houston mommy here!!! Anyways, your story is very similar to mine (minus the blog) but I do contract work here and there. Mostly went from a workaholic to a sahm. It was so hard for me. luckily my husband always supported me and reminded how great of a wife and mother I was. Having the support of your partner is so important. He always tells me- some days you are going to kill it as a mom. Some days you might be okay. And some days you will feel like you are failing. No one can be 100% all the time. On top of that, I really feel like to be a great mom you need to take care of yourself first. Happy mom = happy home?
Very inspiring! Thank you! I just left my job to be at home with my daughter and often worry about “Mom guilt” when I get back into the working world, but you manage it well!
Hi Caroline, this is a tough one…. I too often feel the Mom guilt as I’m currently commuting over 2+ hours a day and work a 40+ hour week. My boys are in daycare and I know that they are thriving. They are happy, have friends, and are always anxious to tell me about their day. I also believe in “being in the moment.” I love my day job and try to be truly present during the day. As soon as I’m home in the evenings and weekends, I’m also very present with the boys. Which often means playing in the dirt 😉
I’m not perfect by any means be we seem to be in a groove for now. Keep your head up, you’re doing great!
First – thank you so much for being so honest and brave.
Motherhood is hard. Period. I’m in awe of how you juggle two children and your incredible blog.
Guilt will never go away. All we can do is adopt some tools to help manage it. For me, I focus on the people that love my son and are happy to spend time with him – my parents and in-laws, our nanny and backup sitters, my own friends. Being surrounded by so much love is a good thing, and it’s good for them to spend time with all of these folks.
It’s especially hard to compartmentalize when you’re working from home. Something I’m trying to do is to be fully present with Rho and fully present on work when I’m at my computer. If I focus on being the best in that one role in the moment, I find a lot more fulfillment.
Also – take care of yourself. You can’t be a mom, wife, and business owner without being Caroline first. Make sure you factor in a little bit of time – whether it’s 5 minutes to dance around like a lunatic or 20 minutes in the bath with a book – every day. And UNPLUG! We’re such slaves to our phones and technology, and we’re not giving our brains a chance to recharge.
‘Deep Work’ is a book that has transformed the way I work and parent. It’s a pretty fast read, and I completely recommend it. There’s a long podcast episode with the author on The Ezra Klein Show, if you want to get a taste of the book’s message.
I believe if you are experiencing Mom guilt then it already proves you are a wonderful Mother. It is something we all experience, myself included. I am a self-employed interior designer and blogger and just like you said…some days I feel like a rockstar and balancing it all while taking care of our 2.5yr old and other days I feel like everything is falling apart. I think you just have to accept the fact that some days you will be awesome at being a part and your business might suffer a little bit and other days you will be a rockstar entrepreneur and maybe weren’t so present with your kids and that is okay. It is all about the work/life balance and it is never going to be perfect or exactly 50/50. You have to give yourself grace and if you are happy then your kids will be happy. I just try to be 100% present when I am with my daughter, so no phones/emails/etc so that she gets my undivided attention…and don’t forget to take time for yourself to recharge. I think this is so much harder for us Moms to do but whether it is a girls night out for dinner, or a spa day or just exercising and doing something that makes you happy and feel good about yourself…in the end it makes you a better Mom!
Babe, right there with you! It’s such a tough balancing act. Everyday I miss Little H and wish I could sit at home with her. Remember how blessed you are to work from home and have a career that allows you to call in sick if you need time off w/ the kiddos. What a blessing motherhood is – that is your # one priority and everything else will always fall into place if you keep it that way. Big hugs! xoxo